Believe it or not, the following was an essay I did a couple years ago for college! I got an A on it though so it must not have been too bad. Enjoy!

-h



How to Meet an Obscure Celebrity from “Lord of the Rings”

Pre-requisite: To attempt to do such a thing as the title suggests, you must, to some greater or lesser degree, be a geek. Otherwise you will feel completely out of place, and when you start laughing at how dorky everyone is, they will take out their not so fake decorative swords and show you how an orc must feel in any one of the numerous orc slaying scenes in the movies. Celebrities, no matter how obscure, do not give autographs to dead people. (An orc by the way, is your typical fantasy- monster type thing, just in case you didn’t already know that.)

Step 1: You must have access to the internet somehow so that you can look up exactly where the obscure “Lord of the Rings” celebrity, (henceforth called the O.L.O.R.C.) will be scheduled to meet geeks such as yourself. Once you do that, the hard part is pretty much over.

Generally the O.L.O.R.C will be found at a convention of some sort. This will almost assuredly be a fantasy convention. You must prepare yourself. If you are a fairly new convert to geekdom or are just going because one of those hot elves are there, you could be fairly overwhelmed upon entering the world of fantasy fans. It will seem like you’ve landed on another planet, and in a sense you have. People will be rolling brightly colored twenty sided dice, carrying weapons you were sure were illegal in at least 49 states, and speaking a strange language with words such as: 3.5 system, base CR, ECL,
GM, DM, RPG, and other really weird numbers and abbreviations that make you feel as though you were sucked into a Star Trek episode. My advice to you is to simply smile and nod. Whatever you do, don’t try to speak the language if you don’t know it. They’ll see you for an outsider and have Handrell the Barbarian come and show you a nifty trick with his axe. To properly blend in we go to the next step.

Step 2: You must obtain proper attire for the convention. Sure, they say it’s optional, but you’ll feel like a real idiot if you show up and you’re the only one in jeans and tennies. Or pants for that matter. Besides that, it gives the O.L.O.R.C something to comment on as you face each other awkwardly for the forty-five seconds you’re paying forty dollars for. What should you wear? Turn to the movies for inspiration and you can’t go wrong. Elf ears are optional and a huge hassle, but if done correctly they can be the highlight of your ensemble, and a great conversation piece. Mine are particularly good and I’ve received countless comments about how natural they look. Also, make sure your attire is well made. If you have a mother and she loves you, perhaps you can bribe her into sewing you something like I did with my mom. My purple plaid Elvish gown was semi- perfect thanks to her skill with a sewing machine.

Step 3: Obtain access to a reliable vehicle. The convention most likely won’t be in your hometown. Also, directions are a must. Then when the time comes, drive there.
Step 4: Pay entrance fee, then enter.
Step 5: Explore the area while trying to look like you belong, and try not to smile too much because you know the costume your mother made for you is better than everyone else’s and theirs’ are made out of blankets and safety pins.

Step 6: Go to the bathroom and cry because your costume superiority was crushed by the group of people who were dressed in exact duplications of clothing from the movies, had perfectly applied elf ears, and way better hair. Oh yeah, they were also better looking than you too.

Step 7: Waste mass amounts of money on frivolous overpriced goods such as posters, bookmarks, and cheaply made daggers from Pakistan. Then congratulate yourself on how cool you are now.

Step 8: Stand in line for two and a half-hours to finally meet and get an autograph from the O.L.O.R.C. But before you do, here are a couple words of warning. First, you’ll get a choice of either paying 20 bucks for a signed picture of the person or 10 bucks to have a personal item signed. Choose the picture! Don’t be cheap like me, who now has a piece of torn out notebook paper with writing on it hanging on my wall as opposed to my sister who has a great glossy nine by five. It’s much more impressive to have a picture I assure you. Second word of warning. Don’t say anything stupid. PLEASE!! In fact, the less you say the better. Celebrities, no matter how minor, have a way of bringing out the idiot in people. Fortunately I have excellent control over my inner idiot, and didn’t release her until later that night when it was safe to be stupid.

Step 9: Talk about the verbal contact you had with the O.L.O.R.C. in the convention’s parking garage with your buddies as you eat soggy warm sub-sandwiches and laugh like maniacs.

Step 10: You are free to do as you desire after that, seeing as how you’ve completed the most crucial steps. In my case, we went home early since my friend’s car got broken into and her purse along with my deodorant, was stolen. This is completely optional, and I don’t recommend it, but if for some weird reason you want to follow in my footsteps all you have to do is park somewhere in Tacoma and leave sight of the car for at least two point five minutes, although longer is hardly necessary.

Well, I suppose that pretty much finishes it up. Once you have followed these steps you will have fulfilled your O.L.O.R.C meeting goals, but unfortunately you will be branded as a geek forever. You can try to hide this fact, but to do so you must pretend that you think elves are little people with pointy shoes that are on Keebler cookie packages, and avoid using words with any abbreviations until you die. Personally, I think it’s easier to just be a geek.