Doreen McNelly


Yeah, I know that I've been sadly amiss in my blog posting. Forgive me you three out there who actually read this! I'm pretty certain there are only three of you. *laughs* Anywho, this is a short story I wrote about four years ago I think. It's just zany fun so I hope you enjoy it.


Life was really sucking for Doreen McNelly right now. She’d run out of milk during breakfast (not good when eating wheaties), her lady in waiting wouldn’t shut up about her nail polish woes, her parents were whining about her needing to find direction in her life, and to top it all off, she was having a horrendous hair day. Being a princess was not too fun right now, but she supposed it was better than getting a job. The idea of working didn’t appeal to her at all, not surprising, considering she was a princess. Its not that princess Doreen was lazy, it was just that working at fashion bug didn’t sound like a great way to spend one’s time. Besides, she had access to a lot of money (princesses are generally pretty well off) and she never really bought anything anyway. If she got a job, it would be nothing but a waste of her precious time. She much preferred reading or practicing swordplay, or taking walks and such things. That was definitely one perk to being considered royal. Still, today was looking pretty crappy even with all these perks. Prince Lars hadn’t called her in three days, six new pimples had arrived overnight, and her parents were nagging her constantly about getting a rider’s license. “Look!” She’d told them. “I’ll learn how to ride one of these days! Until then, someone can just drive me around in a cart like always.” They hadn’t agreed with this decision, and she soon found herself grounded for not taking her future seriously. At seventeen she thought herself too old to be grounded and said so, but the King and Queen didn’t seem to agree. And so she found herself confined to her bedroom for the whole day, with nothing to do but stare out the window and plan rebellious things to do when she got un-grounded. “Maybe I’ll go see one of those rated R – rated plays they told me not to go to.” She thought to herself. “How bad could they be?” She was still thinking such thoughts when her lady in waiting, Marjorie, burst in with the cordless phone in one hand. The other hand she blew on furiously, determined to dry the hot pink polish that had been freshly applied. “Prince Lars. . . is on. . . the phone. . . for you.” Marjorie informed her between blows.” And she handed Doreen the phone, careful of her nail polished fingernails. Then she hurried into the other room and soon Doreen heard the hair dryer going, an obvious attempt to dry her nails faster. Hesitating, Doreen looked at the phone. She was pretty sure that being grounded included being grounded from the phone as well. If she were to be caught talking with her boyfriend, she might be grounded even longer. But, she was still angry with them, and this was just the rebellious thing she needed. “Hello.” She answered, a bit annoyed that he’d taken so long to call her. “Hi Doreen.” Lars answered. “Sorry I took so long to call you, but I’ve been kinda busy lately.” Doreen rolled her eyes at the lame excuse and said, “ I suppose that’s okay. Why do you sound so staticy anyway?” She added, for the reception was very poor. “I’m in a cave.” He said apologetically. “Not the best reception.” “What are you doing in a cave?” The princess demanded. “Well, I’ve been a prisoner here for the last three days.” The prince said sheepishly. “ That’s why I haven’t called you.” “Oh!” Doreen said with sudden understanding. “That makes sense!” There was a pause. “Who’s holding you prisoner?!” She demanded suddenly, as if finally hearing what he said. “An evil sorceress.” He mumbled, somewhat embarrassed. “Why does she want you?” Doreen demanded. “What’s she gonna do to you?” There was silence on his end for a moment, and she could practically see his shrug. “Dunno. She said something about fattening me up to feed to her creature.” This got Doreen’s attention. “How much has she fed you?!!!” She demanded quickly. “Have you gained any weight?!” There was a pause as he thought. “Only about five pounds.” He mused. “Listen,” He added, “ could you by any chance pick me up or somethin? I gotta lot of stuff I need to do, and I don’t exactly want to get eaten.” Doreen nodded, realized he couldn’t see her, and then said, “I’ll try to be there as soon as possible. It might take me a while though. In the meantime only eat salad and Special K and stuff like that. Do some sit- ups too okay?” She said quickly. “Where are you anyway?” She added. “You got a pen?” He asked. And she quickly grabbed one from her dresser. It wasn’t long before she had the address scribbled down, and she was already thinking of how to get to his location. “Uh, you might want to bring a sword or somethin too.” he added. “I hear this monster is pretty big.” “Okie dokie.” She answered. “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Remember to do some crunches and stuff.” And then she hung up. Immediately she rushed to her closet and began pulling out her various pieces of armor. She decided on her sorceress proof chain mail catsuit with her clear plastic belt with the word PRINCESS written in vivid orange on it.
Over this she wore a black leather bomber jacket and a rainbow striped scarf, to keep her neck warm.
She pulled on her hot pink sneakers, put generous amounts of cover up on her new zits, and visited the ladies room before she grabbed her shield and sword. Then she shoved the directions into her jacket pocket, grabbed her red snakeskin purse, and headed out the door. She didn’t get far before her parents stopped her. “Where do you think you’re going?” Demanded her mother as she turned the handle of the front door. She turned and desperately tried to explain. “Lars has been captured by an evil sorceress who’s fattening him up so she can feed him to her monster.” She said quickly. “He needs me to pick him up.” Her father snorted. “That’s going to be difficult seeing as how you can’t ride and your grounded.” Doreen gave her father her sweetest expression and said, “ I was hoping someone could take me?” This only made her father explode about how if she’d gotten her rider’s license, she wouldn’t be grounded and she’d be able to take herself. He wasn’t about to be swayed and Doreen could see it. She began to get frantic. “But dad!!!” She screeched. “If I don’t hurry he could be eaten! Or even worse, FAT!!!!” Still the King would not budge. Doreen knew it was time to bargain. “What if I promise to get my rider’s permit tomorrow?” She suggested hopefully. “I could start learning as soon as you want!” her father’s expression did not change. “I’ll be grounded the rest of the week! Please Dad, I promised I’d come!” For a moment Doreen didn’t think it would work, but luckily for her, the Queen was very fond of Lars, and if her daughter had made him a promise, it was best if she kept it. She turned to whisper to her husband, and after a moment he sighed and nodded gruffly. “Alright.” He said annoyedly. “But you get your permit tomorrow you hear?!” Doreen smiled and nodded vigorously. “And you get a breast plate or something!” He added snappishly. “ Do you want to be skewered your first minute there?” Giving her father a hug, Doreen rushed upstairs to don a bright orange breastplate before rushing out to the royal wagon. “Find a payphone and call us when you’re ready to be picked up!” The Queen ordered as Doreen climbed into the wagon with the chauffeur. “Its okay, Lars has a cell phone!” She yelled back as they headed down the road. It took about twenty minutes before they finally arrived at the neighborhood they were supposed to be at. It was several well-spaced caves, each bearing signs with the inhabitants address, and often times their names as well. “We want number four fourteen.” Doreen informed Ned the driver. Then she busied herself by putting her golden blond hair into a ponytail to keep it out of her face. It was still misbehaving terribly, but at least it didn’t look quite so bad as before. “Here it is.” Ned informed her, coming to a stop next to a mailbox shaped like a dragon. “Do you want me to wait for you?” Doreen thought for a moment and then shook her head. “Nah, these things take a while. But I’ll call you when I’m ready.” “Very good.” He said, and she thanked him as he drove off. Straightening her breastplate, (she lacked the cleavage to keep it on right) she made her way to the front door of the cave. The sorceress’s cave was one of the many that had signs on the front, and hers said, “RAMONA THE SORCERESS, AVAILABLE FOR BIRTHDAYS, BARMITZVA’S, WEDDINGS, AND ANY OTHER FESTIVE OCCASION. Taking a pen out of her purse, Doreen jotted down the number on the sign. After all, you never knew when a sorceress would come in handy, even if she did want to kill your boyfriend. After she’d replaced the pen and put the purse strap back on her shoulder where it belonged, Doreen gave a sharp rap on the door to the cave. At first nothing happened. She was just about to try again, when at last a tall, extremely good looking blonde man with no shirt and a bow tie, answered the door. “What can I do for you?” He said in a thick Norwegian accent. “I’d like to see Ramona the sorceress please.” The princess informed him in her most intimidating voice. “Are you the butler or something?” She added curiously. He smiled, nodded, and said, “I’m also a licensed masseuse.” Then he gestured for her to come in. He eyed her sword and her sagging breastplate, but said nothing of it. “ Please, make yourself comfortable.” He said nodding to the sofa.
“ I shall inform Ramona of your presence. And with that he walked down one of the many tunnels that led to other parts of the cave. Doreen couldn’t help but notice he had a very athletic butt, and she wondered how much one of those massages cost. “I’m here to rescue Lars.” She reminded herself.


She sat down on one of the floral mismatched sofas in the room, and surveyed her surroundings, laying her sword and shield beside her. It was a pretty average middle class living room, complete with
lamps, bookshelves, and even several photographs. Doreen was leaning over to examine one such photo that rested on the coffee table, when suddenly a voice interrupted her. “Oh, don’t look at that one! I look fat in it!” Doreen looked up in surprise to see who she took to be Ramona the sorceress. She studied the woman and tried to hide her surprise. She wasn’t the raven haired, high cheek-boned beauty that every one thinks of when they hear the word sorceress. For one thing, her hair was most definitely not black. It was a very light red, almost blonde, and it was alarmingly frizzy. It looked almost like she had stuck a fork in a toaster, and this one was definitely plugged in. Her skin was pale. Even paler than Doreen’s which was plenty white. Her face was covered in light freckles, as were her arms and neck, and more than likely all the parts that her yellow muumuu didn’t reveal. She looked to be in her late thirties, and she was fairly plump, though not unattractively so. She had a slightly large nose, and her teeth had a very faint overbite, but all in all she was fairly pretty, though certainly not a beauty. “Did Svenhard offer you anything to drink?” Ramona said hospitably. “Svenhard?” Doreen said confusedly. “My butler and licensed masseuse.” The Sorceress explained. “Oh, I’m not thirsty thank you.” The princess said, shaking her head. Ramona gave a little shrug, and plopped down in a worn looking love seat. “So, what can I do for you?” The Sorceress asked, reaching for a peppermint in a bowl on the coffee table. “Um. . .” Doreen began, unsure of how to phrase her words. “You sorta have my boyfriend prisoner, and I need to take him home.” As she anticipated, this did not go over too well, though the sorceress did not seem angry. She merely shook her head and said, “I’m afraid that’s not possible dear. You see, I need to feed my monster, and young princes are what he likes to eat.” Doreen sighed, and surreptitiously inched closer to her sword. “Why do you have to feed him princes?” She demanded. “Couldn’t you try something else?” Ramona shook her head firmly and replied, “ He’s a very picky eater. He simply doesn’t like anything else.” Doreen looked at her in surprise. “Anything else?!!!” The redhead nodded sadly. “I’ve tried every kind of food I can think of.” She said apologetically. “Well that sucks!!!” Doreen said dejectedly. “Listen you can go visit your prince if you want.” Ramona said helpfully. “He hasn’t gained nearly enough weight to feed Neville yet.” Thinking this very thoughtful of the sorceress, Doreen nodded, and soon was following the frizz haired woman down several dark corridors. As they walked they chatted about idle things like the weather and how Doreen had to get her permit the next day, and how Ramona had first met Svenhard. And then they’d arrived at a large door which the sorceress had stopped at. “He’s in here.” She gestured. “Once you’re in you’ll be trapped, so just knock when you want out.” Doreen looked at the woman suspiciously. “How do I know you won’t feed us both to Neville?” She demanded bluntly. Ramona was not in the least offended by the question, as most sorceresses would have been. Instead, she merely explained, “ Neville only likes princes. Princesses give him indigestion.” This pacified Doreen. After all, she did have a sword and a shield didn’t she? It wasn’t like she was completely defenseless. So she nodded and stepped into the room, and was only mildly wary when the door closed behind her. “Dory!!!!” Lars greeted her from a chair at a small table. “Did you rescue me?” “Not exactly.” Doreen admitted sheepishly. “But I’m working on it!”She assured him. Then she sat down in the chair next to him. She saw a Twinkie wrapper on the table, and turned to glare at him. “I couldn’t help it!” he said apologetically. “It was Hostess!!!!” Doreen rolled her eyes and surveyed the room. It was pretty bare except for the table and chairs, and a small kitchen that appeared to be absolutely stocked with junk food. She scrutinized his middle, but the five pounds he’d said he’d gained didn’t appear to be showing yet.
“Is there any way to escape?” She demanded, walking over to the kitchen and taking a Hostess cup cake from the cupboard.
She always thought better when she had chocolate in her. “Nope.” Lars said in answer to her question, and she noticed he was looking longingly at her cupcake. “Go do some crunches while I think of a plan.” She ordered, taking a large bite of the whipped cream filled chocolate hostess product.
He looked like he wanted to argue, but he decided against it, and began counting off crunches. She was rescuing him after all, the least he could do was reward her with a firm stomach. Finishing her cupcake, Doreen strode to the door and examined the knob. She let out a sharp gasp as she saw why he had been unable to escape. The clever sorceress had put a childproof guard over the knob!!! Muttering angrily at Ramona’s cunning, the princess grabbed a Mars bar from the kitchen and plopped down at the table again, biting into it savagely. At long last, she scraped together a semblance of a plan, and turned to Lars to relate it to him. By now the poor prince was sweating, and had reached four hundred and eighty nine crunches. “There’s no windows or anything right?” Doreen began, her green eyes shining with the thought of their escape. He nodded as best as one can when they’re doing crunches. “Well, then I guess we’ll just have to go through the door. I’m supposed to knock when I’m ready to leave, so I’ll just take you with me! I’ll knock out the sorceress with something, and then we’ll run like heck until we’re down the street a ways, then we’ll call home and Ned will come pick us up.” Lars sat up from his crunches to look at her in surprise. “That’s your plan?!!!” He exclaimed. Doreen gave an apologetic shrug and said, “ You got a better idea?” The prince thought for a moment, and grudgingly shook his head. “Okay, lets do it then.” He said unenthusiastically. “What can we knock her out with?” He added. They searched the kitchen, and found only a box of stale shortbread cookies as their best candidate. “Well, this won’t really do much, even if we did leave them in their package.” Doreen said sullenly. “ I suppose I’ll just have to smack her with my shield.” Lars nodded doubtfully, and they headed for the door. Straightening her breastplate and readying her shield, Princess Doreen McNelly rapped sharply on the door. Immediately it opened, and without hesitation she slammed her shield down on the figure in front of her. As they’d hoped it fell unconscious to the ground. “Lets go!” Lars shouted, bursting through the door. Doreen started to follow, but looked back as she did so. “Oh CRAP!!!” She spat. “I hit Svenhard!!” Lars however was not about to stop for the butler, he was eager to get away and to safety as quickly as possible. Grabbing her hand, he pulled her on through the corridors, mildly annoyed that she had concern for the butler/licensed masseur. After all, what did Sven have that he didn’t have? Lars was to soon learn that the Norwegian had not been the cause for her alarm when a bolt of blue lightening hit the wall beside him. He looked behind them with a start to see Ramona taking aim yet again. “I should have known she’d have Svenhard open the door!” Doreen wailed despairingly. “That’s what butlers do!!!” “Come on!” Lars said yanking her down a hallway that forked to the right, and ignoring her words of woe. The hallway led to a dead end, only a door lay before them. It was too late to backtrack, so they opened the door and rushed inside. There was only pitch black at first, and the only sound was their own heavy breathing. “Where are we?” panted the princess. “You are in my room, and I am rather curious as to why you have intruded onto my privacy without invitation.” Said a very proper English voice behind them. “Uh, we’re just looking for the bathroom.” Lars lied, trying to sound convincing and failing. “Uh, huh.” The voice said doubtfully. “Well, at least tell me your names since you don’t feel like telling me the truth.” Doreen rolled her eyes at her boyfriend in the darkness and then cleared her throat. “I am Princess Doreen McNelly, and this is Prince Lars Fenwick.” There was a strange gasping noise from the other person at the mention of Prince Lars, and he said in a very soft voice, “Oh really?!! I am so very fond of princes.” Doreen’s breath caught in her throat and she asked in a shaky voice, “What is your name?” “Neville.” Came the reply, and Doreen didn’t wait for him to get any farther before she grabbed Lars and exited the room so fast it surprised her as much as it did Neville. “He’s gonna eat you!!” She gasped, as she pulled Lars along. This enticed him to put on an extra burst of speed, and pretty soon she was the one having trouble keeping up. Ramona was dead ahead of them, but she was looking behind them, and didn’t seem too concerned at their escape.


“Neville dear!” She exclaimed. “What on earth are you
doing out?!” Doreen didn’t stick around to hear his answer, but rather ran past the sorceress, Lars in tow. They could hear Neville close behind them and neither dared to look back. Eventually though, Lars couldn’t stand the curiosity any longer and he did look behind him only to see several large claws alarmingly close to his face. He let out a scream that was anything but manly, and would have been done for had not Doreen pulled him into the nearest room at precisely the right moment. Neville ran past them for he couldn’t stop in time, and they both slammed the door shut and began piling up a nearby chair and table against it. “Hey! We’re in the kitchen again!” Doreen noted, as Neville began pounding against the door. “Who cares!” Lars said frantically, knowing full well how close he was to being eaten. “He’s gonna break through!” He added fearfully, and it was true, for the door was nearly broken already from Neville’s poundings. “Stay back, I’ll take care of this.” Doreen said calmly, drawing her sword and once again straightening her breastplate. Lars was only too happy to comply, and he chose a place by the countertops to cower. No sooner than Doreen had readied her shield, Neville broke through. He was a very large monster, about ten feet tall and covered in purple hair. His eyes were large and yellow, and he had huge claws and teeth. “You’ll have to get through me to get to him!” Doreen informed Neville courageously. “Well alright then.” The monster shrugged, and picked up one of the overturned chairs to block her sword. They fought savagely for about fifteen minutes until they were both exhausted. However neither was about to stop. By now Svenhard and Ramona had come to watch, and they both looked impressed at the princess’s prowess. Still, Doreen was tiring, and Lars knew he had to do something, after all she was his girlfriend. So he began hurling everything in reach at Neville, who became very annoyed at him. “Now that’s ruddy unfair!” The purple monster protested, dodging a bag of Rold Gold pretzels that had been chucked at his head. Doreen took the opportunity to stab at the monster, who barely managed to sidestep her and look extremely offended while doing it. And so they continued to fight, Sven and Ramona continued to watch, and Lars continued to chuck things at Neville. Eventually both the princess and the monster grew so tired that they both feared that they could not continue, though neither was about to admit it. Then something happened that changed everything. Lars had hurled a bag of microwave popcorn at Neville’s head, and just as the monster was about to say, “Dash it all, won’t you quit pestering me?!” a large amount of popcorn found its way into his mouth. At first he did nothing but choke, for a kernel had caught him by surprise, but suddenly he found himself chewing, and then a big smile lit up his face. “I say, do tell me what you just threw at me !!” Neville demanded as he blocked yet another of Doreen’s blows. “Uh . . . popcorn.” Lars answered uncertainly. “Well I say, it tastes rather smashing! Would you mind throwing some more at me?” Before the prince could respond, Ramona suddenly gave a whoop of glee that made everyone stop and stare at her. “You can stop fighting now!” She said brightly. “Neville has finally found something he likes besides princes!!” Both the monster and the princess stopped to stare at each other in surprise. “I guess I have!” Neville exclaimed. “What do you know?” And so they ceased their fight, much to their relief, and Lars made several bags of microwave popcorn for the monster who enjoyed it thoroughly. Ramona was the most joyful one of them all (except maybe Lars) for now her monster would not be nearly so hard to feed, and popcorn is pretty cheap to come by. “I do hope we can forget this whole ugly incident now.” Ramona said in embarrassment. “It’s not like I wanted Prince Lars to die you know.” Lars and Doreen of course accepted her apology, for it was the polite thing to do, and she really was quite a nice sorceress. Neville too apologized, and he was every bit as pleasant as Ramona, even inviting them to come for tea the next Friday. “That all depends on if I can get my permit.” Doreen said sadly. And then she explained about her predicament. “I can help you with that!” Neville said enthusiastically. “I used to teach driver’s Ed!” And so it was agreed that the monster would give her lessons and she would pay him ten dollars an hour, which was really a very affordable price for a princess to pay. She was also offered a job by Ramona, who was very impressed with her skill with a sword, and thought she would be great at barmitzva’s and weddings as her assistant.
“You and Neville can battle each other sometimes too.” The sorceress was saying. “Just for the crowd of course. They’ll eat it up. Heaven knows Sven and I were entertained!” Doreen heartily agreed,
after all it sounded much more fun than fashion bug, plus she might get free wedding cake out of the deal! Svenhard agreed to tutor Lars in Norwegian, which he was failing in school at the moment and desperately needed help with. And so Doreen and Lars left Ramona’s cave, scheduled to come back next week for tea, and to get some home made pimple cream from the sorceress that was guaranteed to dry up the largest zit, which Doreen was anxious to try. So they waved goodbye to their new friends as they headed to where Ned was to pick them up, walking hand in hand. “Thanks for coming for me.” Lars said, as they stopped by the Minit Mart they were using as a rendezvous point. “No prob.” She shrugged. “I’m just glad that it turned out so well.” Lars nodded and smiled. “You know the weird thing?” He began, and she looked at him in curiosity. “It wouldn’t have turned out like this if it hadn’t been for that popcorn.” She smiled at him and nodded. “Well, I’ve always said it was the world’s most perfect food.” Truer words were never spoken.